Motherless Mothering
Written by : Kirsten | Dew Drops Postpartum
Doula | Mother | Life Coach | Teacher
It is a special type of sadness – that experienced by mothers who are parenting without their own mother, a situation described as ‘motherless mothering’. It is a layer of grief that I witness often in the families I support.
Dew Drops offers support to families when it is needed through the parenting seasons, for many different reasons. Often, that need exists because support simply isn’t available through other channels.
Historically, parenting has occurred within an actual village – a community of families with aunts, sisters, grandmothers and maternal role models available and on hand to support new mothers in the early days, and beyond, with the load of mothering.
As more families live separately from their extended family and community for a range of reasons and circumstances, support like that offered by Dew Drops is becoming more needed and more accepted as filling a gap created by this modern change in living and parenting.
I witness women who are mothering motherless because their own mother has passed away. The sadness of their mother-shaped absence can be palpable in those homes. Shaky smiles, a lowering of the head, a glance to a photo all betray the loss the mother is feeling, amongst all the other big feelings becoming a parent brings.
This is one of the hardest forms of grief I witness.
Another type of motherless mothering is experienced by those having to do it motherless even though their own mother is alive, generally well and able, but absent from their daughter’s life – especially in this season.
This situation carries its own complicated grief – that there could be support, love and reassurance, but it is withheld through choice. It is with these mamas I see a layer of steely coping, tinged with sadness, that carries them through the hardest of mothering moments. That unasked-for grit that sees them do better, love harder, celebrate more, show up fully for their babies and, ultimately, for themselves.
Admittedly, often in these cases this present absence is the better option over having toxic or even dangerous people in their lives, especially at one of their most vulnerable times. While this reasoning can offer some ease in difficult mothering moments, it does not fully take away the grief, hurt, sadness and loss this absence can create.
Motherless mothering is an incredibly complex and difficult parenting experience, amongst what is naturally already a very complex and difficult time in life.
In homes where motherless mothering is occurring, I see women trying to navigate this profound season without the guidance, support, reassurance or love of arguably one of the most important and enduring relationships a woman can have.
It is heartbreaking.
At a time when maternal mental health concerns and experiences have become a louder voice in the current chatter around mental health in general, it will come as no surprise that there are grim statistics around women who are mothering without their own mother:
It is a growing demographic, with 1 in 3 women* parenting without their own mothers.
Of this demographic, 81% report perinatal mental health struggles such as anxiety and postnatal depression.
68% responded that their specific motherless grief was dismissed by health professionals, and 74% said they weren’t asked if they had maternal support at home.
Other experiences described by motherless mothers can include::
Re-triggered grief from the original loss of their mother.
An increased sense of isolation or feelings of being ‘invisible’.
A heightened sense of incompetence, imposter syndrome and second-guessing parenting decisions.
Delaying becoming parents or deciding not to have children at all through worry about doing it without the support of their mothers.
It is not rocket science to know and understand that women who feel seen, understood and supported through the perinatal period and beyond – whatever their mothering experience – have better outcomes emotionally, mentally and physically.
These benefits extend to the entire family, with studies** showing early support and intervention is positive for society as a whole, with increased health, wellbeing and economic outcomes for everyone.
Dew Drops and the support it provides is incredibly valuable for families in all types of circumstances and need, filling some of the gaps that exist in modern parenting. It is a massive privilege to lighten the load in any home and to see parenting better for it.
Personally, homes where motherless mothering is happening hit different.
Alongside the ‘standard support’, I would hope women feel held in their grief and sadness; that any experiences shared are heard as real and raw; and, ultimately, that they feel reassured of their bad-ass-ness and competence.
They are doing it hard, and they are doing it without their mum.
Parenting really does take a village. We were not meant to mother alone in little nuclear-family silos. We are not hard-wired for that, and many modern parenting struggles are a direct reflection of that disconnect.
Where possible, raising a baby and becoming a parent works better with support. It may not look like an extended family community of many, with wisdom and willing hands and time. Sometimes that village has to be built differently.
For mothers parenting without their own mum, that support can never replace the person who is missing.
It doesn’t need to.
But we can notice the gap. We can make space for the grief and sadness that sits alongside motherhood. We can listen. We can show up. And we can help lighten the load.
* From a 2025 report published by support network ‘The Motherless Mothers’ and friendship app ‘Peanut’.
** 1001 Critical Days Foundation.